My stepdad lays carpet for a living and sometimes we would stop by the houses he was working at and I loved it. I remember walking through this particular one that was absolutely gorgeous! Big 2 story house, playhouse in back, and a pinkish red bathtub in the shape of a heart. When you are around 9 or 10 what could really be cooler than seeing a heart shaped tub? I would walk through it and pretend how awesome it would be if it were ours. It was so big and I would finally have my own room. I had always wanted my own room, and thought that when I got it life would be swell. The memories I have sharing a room with my sister are some of my most cherished. One house we lived in we painted the walls blue. We had these cute flower sponges that we put in purple paint and started to make a border with. We thought it was great! Mom didn't. So we took big fat sponges and started sponging them on the wall to look like butts. Mom was even less impressed with the sponge-butts. From then on we had purple "butt prints" on our wall. The thought makes me smile. Why can't we know the things we know as adults. To cherish what seem like little, insignificant moments. We ended up moving from that house a couple years later and I got my own room. I still wasn't happy. I also had to beg my sister to sleep with me sometimes because I was scared. Younger siblings are the absolute best and aren't afraid of anything.
That is just one particular time in my life where contentment had consumed me. While I was just a child, I couldn't enjoy the present moments for wanting something else. My husband has experienced this first hand with me. Bless him. Every time we have lived somewhere I have complained the entire time. I hated it, it wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to go somewhere better, and I wanted to be closer to my family/friends. And guess what? Every time we have left the so-called hated town, I haven't wanted to leave. It's exhausting for him I am sure, but he loves me. I am so lucky! I look back and reflect on all the people or circumstances that happened while living in those places and I let pure discontent rob me of so much joy. Those were also times I felt distant from the Lord. I could feel it in my bones. The anger, bitterness, even loneliness. Things I still struggle with, but worse then. I was so lost and didn't think I could find my way back to the Lord. The thing about the Gospel that I never truly understood is that He was always there. All I had to do was call out to Him. Even though I didn't, He still took care of his child. Maybe not in the way I though, but He did. I may have not been obedient, but He never left me. I couldn't find joy, because I didn't want to find Him.
If I had certain clothes, if I just had so and so's body, if I wore my hair just so, if we lived in a different house, if we had more money, if I lived closer to family, if, if, IF!!! Let me tell you comparing leads to discontentment. Discontentment leads to a miserable miserable existence. I have spent so much of my life being joyless. The "things" that I think will make me happy never do. Maybe a temporary excitement, but then the new wears off. When they no longer make me happy, bitterness sets in. My joy is not found in the things of this Earth. I will never find true joy and happiness by trying to let them fill me up. I always feel the conviction when that is what I'm doing.
This is a learning process for me, and it is taking a lot of repentance. A LOT! Even finding joy for others is a struggle at times. I don't want to get so caught up in what I don't have that I can't be genuinely happy for others. Everyone is in different places and seasons in their life. Everyone has a story. Everyone's path is different than mine. My struggles or hardships are a learning experience. The Lord is drawing me nearer to Him and teaching me something. He is good. He is sovereign. He is faithful. And most of all He loves me. He knows me and he created me this way, flaws and all. He knew I would struggle with contentment and comparison. Only He can bring me out of the dark places they take me. All I need is to "be still and know" Psalm 46:10.
Whatever your weakness may be, remember this:
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:10
Speak truth and be still friends. Be still.
Blessings,
Carisa
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