My stepdad lays carpet for a living and sometimes we would stop by the houses he was working at and I loved it. I remember walking through this particular one that was absolutely gorgeous! Big 2 story house, playhouse in back, and a pinkish red bathtub in the shape of a heart. When you are around 9 or 10 what could really be cooler than seeing a heart shaped tub? I would walk through it and pretend how awesome it would be if it were ours. It was so big and I would finally have my own room. I had always wanted my own room, and thought that when I got it life would be swell. The memories I have sharing a room with my sister are some of my most cherished. One house we lived in we painted the walls blue. We had these cute flower sponges that we put in purple paint and started to make a border with. We thought it was great! Mom didn't. So we took big fat sponges and started sponging them on the wall to look like butts. Mom was even less impressed with the sponge-butts. From then on we had purple "butt prints" on our wall. The thought makes me smile. Why can't we know the things we know as adults. To cherish what seem like little, insignificant moments. We ended up moving from that house a couple years later and I got my own room. I still wasn't happy. I also had to beg my sister to sleep with me sometimes because I was scared. Younger siblings are the absolute best and aren't afraid of anything.
That is just one particular time in my life where contentment had consumed me. While I was just a child, I couldn't enjoy the present moments for wanting something else. My husband has experienced this first hand with me. Bless him. Every time we have lived somewhere I have complained the entire time. I hated it, it wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to go somewhere better, and I wanted to be closer to my family/friends. And guess what? Every time we have left the so-called hated town, I haven't wanted to leave. It's exhausting for him I am sure, but he loves me. I am so lucky! I look back and reflect on all the people or circumstances that happened while living in those places and I let pure discontent rob me of so much joy. Those were also times I felt distant from the Lord. I could feel it in my bones. The anger, bitterness, even loneliness. Things I still struggle with, but worse then. I was so lost and didn't think I could find my way back to the Lord. The thing about the Gospel that I never truly understood is that He was always there. All I had to do was call out to Him. Even though I didn't, He still took care of his child. Maybe not in the way I though, but He did. I may have not been obedient, but He never left me. I couldn't find joy, because I didn't want to find Him.
If I had certain clothes, if I just had so and so's body, if I wore my hair just so, if we lived in a different house, if we had more money, if I lived closer to family, if, if, IF!!! Let me tell you comparing leads to discontentment. Discontentment leads to a miserable miserable existence. I have spent so much of my life being joyless. The "things" that I think will make me happy never do. Maybe a temporary excitement, but then the new wears off. When they no longer make me happy, bitterness sets in. My joy is not found in the things of this Earth. I will never find true joy and happiness by trying to let them fill me up. I always feel the conviction when that is what I'm doing.
This is a learning process for me, and it is taking a lot of repentance. A LOT! Even finding joy for others is a struggle at times. I don't want to get so caught up in what I don't have that I can't be genuinely happy for others. Everyone is in different places and seasons in their life. Everyone has a story. Everyone's path is different than mine. My struggles or hardships are a learning experience. The Lord is drawing me nearer to Him and teaching me something. He is good. He is sovereign. He is faithful. And most of all He loves me. He knows me and he created me this way, flaws and all. He knew I would struggle with contentment and comparison. Only He can bring me out of the dark places they take me. All I need is to "be still and know" Psalm 46:10.
Whatever your weakness may be, remember this:
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:10
Speak truth and be still friends. Be still.
Blessings,
Carisa
Friday, August 28, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
In case you missed it...we moved!
As I start to write, I'm feeling a little cheated. This summer has been pretty much the fastest one ever. The entire month of June was spent packing and getting ready for our closing date on the 26th. The day we closed I drove to OK to get my girls and Greg went south to work a week of camp. Talk about a long crazy day. Greg came back in time to celebrate the 4th with our families. Loved getting to spend quality time with the ones we love. We stayed a few more days, but made our official trek to Liberal, KS. We stayed for about 2 weeks trying to get things in order (with 3 kids and a husband working full time, definitely not an easy feat) and made 1 more trip back to OK. Drove way too late on a Tuesday night and got my first speeding ticket in over 11 years. Whatevs! We sure aren't in Texas anymore. The next morning I had to go get proof of address to finish enrolling Anna in 1st grade. Gulp! Didn't I just binge eat donuts on her first day of Kinder yesterday? It's all a blur! I must say having a baby and sending your oldest to school all in the same year is what crazy things are made of. Her elementary is right across the street from
our house. Yay! I'm already THAT mom, so even better.
(Side story on the house: we drove the 8 hour trip from Midlothian to Liberal in June to find a house. We looked at several, and let's just I left wanting to cry. Maybe I did. I had become accustomed to my extremely nice, up to date, modern home in TX. I later had to ask for forgiveness for my entitled behavior. While we would find a house we sort of like that was in our price range, we would not have any money to do anything to it or purchase anything to furnish it. Did I mention we sold nearly all our furniture during the move? We would have been sitting in a "sort of like" house on the floor. I began to get really anxious when we went back to Midlothian. We were even willing to rent, but weren't having any luck there either. On our way to church after our trip, Greg and I were both balls of worry. He worrying about recruiting players and me about us being homeless. I really didn't think that would happen, but hey I'm a little dramatic. What do you think our sermon was about that day? If you said worry, you are correct! Hit me like a ton of bricks of conviction. I don't know if I have ever set in a sermon and literally felt so close to the Lord. We loaded the kids in the car and we shut the doors I looked at Greg and said, "Well that was covincting." He agreed. We discussed our last resort option on the way home. It would be to take an older 2 bedroom apartment down the street from the elementary. We really wanted Anna in that school and we had literally exhausted every option on our own. Key words "on our own". That afternoon we received a call, from our now landlord, and he said the house we called about was still available. The house across the street from the elementary. Across the street! Without even knowing what the inside looked like we said we wanted it. No it isn't new, it isn't perfect, but it is what the Lord provided. He provided big and in a way only He can. Greg saw the house before the kids and I. He was nervous we would get here and hate it. The girls love it and hope we live here forever. I really hope that is not the Lord's plan for us, but if it is pray for me. Ha!)
We have a small water park and lots of parks. We have a Dillon's that carries Kroger brand products and has everything I would need for Anna's allergies. No Target, but that's what online shopping is for right?! Just humor me okay!
That's what we have done this summer. I have experienced every emotion known to man over the last few months, but one thing remains. My God is faithful and I am ready to see what this journey in Kansas leads to. Would you pray for us? That the Lord would do a mighty work in all of us for however long we are here. That we would find a church home. Love you all!
Blessings,
Carisa
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