Work in Progress

I had lunch with Anna today, and it was great until I had to leave her with tears in her eyes. A friend had hurt her feelings. Tomorrow she may not remember, but I doubt it.  She is so much like me and I don't think it really sunk in until that moment.  I find it amazing to look at my children and see how they can be made up of both our best and worst qualities all in one. What an amazing Creator we have! Anna has her Dad's sense of humor to a fault and my heart...and mouth.  Bless the poor thing.  I was upset for her and was starting to retreat to my own insecurities, but was so overcome by the Holy Spirit this afternoon it brought me to tears. God has been pressing on me over the last couple of week to share this, and I am trying to be obedient.  There is way more, but these are the details he wants me to share for now. So bear with me.  I hope this touches someone's heart, if even just one.  

 ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.' Luke 15:6-7

"We didn't think you would want to go." 

That's what I was told by friends about the slumber party they were all going to that night that one of them accidentally told me about. We were in line for lunch and  I was a Junior in high school. I remember it like it was yesterday.

This one scenario in my life has played in my head over and over again.  Every time I have not been invited, a group of friends. or even my family are doing something without me, this is where my head and heart goes.  When my husband offers to take the kids and go somewhere fun with them to give me a break, I get my feelings hurt. Feeling left out stinks! There is no other way to describe it.  I honestly don't know if guys go through this, but my husband never seems to care if he hangs out with anyone. When his friends call or he knows a group are doing something together I always try to watch him to see if he is jealous, mad, or showing any of the emotions I would be feeling. (He's been blessed with lifelong friends who always like him). Nothing. He actually seems happy for them. I'm jealous of that.  He is perfectly content with hanging out with the kids and myself.  What a weirdo. 

Now don't get me wrong, I do not think that every time anyone does anything without me it's a personal jab.  Heck, it could be something I absolutely could not join in on or may not even want to do, but Satan knows how to feed me lies. This is also where social media gets the best of me. I think it is such an awesome way to keep in touch, but it is also a great tool for Satan to reach those lonely places. Those sad parts. I cannot tell you how many times I have set and cried to my husband about feeling left out (he's such a good man, and I don't tell him enough!).  "What have I done?" "Why am I not important?"  "Why wasn't I thought of?  I had kids too!"  This has happened way before the blowup of social media, it just seems to amplify it. Then I start replaying every thing I have said or done as to why I am not a good friend.  I've been like this since elementary school.  This may seem so trivial and very self consumed to some, but I'm just being honest.  I was even so miserable with "girl stuff" by the time I started middle school that when my mom moved me to a different school I was so relieved.  A fresh start.  Here I would make my forever friends and they would love me until the end of time and we would skip off into the sunset holding hands and laughing until the end of time. Well the void still wasn't filled so then came boys.  Friends won't provide me with the love I want and girls are so hurtful so let's have a boyfriend.  Forever. Until the end of time.  Just kidding, but I always had a boyfriend. ALWAYS. Guess what?  Boyfriends didn't feel that void either it only brought about more insecurities and more desire to be loved.  It's a horrible, horrible cycle. Moving on. :)

While I was in high school, I did try so hard to be a better Christian.  I accepted Christ when I was 9 at Camp Bond (one of my most favorite places), but I'm not for sure I truly grasped it. I mean I understood, but didn't get the magnitude of God's love for me. Just like with everyone else, I wanted God's approval and acceptance, but I had to earn it from him just like I did with everyone else. That's what I thought. I've spent most of my life thinking that I could lose God's favor over me. That I could do things bad enough He would desert me and never want me back. A continual repetition of "Look at what I've done", God must be so disappointed in me" and "Will I even make it to Heaven?" I viewed God has the harshest of all judges. I loved God, I wanted a deeper relationship and closeness, but I had absolutely no way of how to go about getting it. I mean my word! My sins are endless and he can't possibly forgive all of those right?! Fortunately for me I have been pouring myself into his word (not near as much as I should) and plugging more and more into a church community that shows me how amazing God really is. I am 28, gulp, and I think for the first time am really starting to understand who He is and why I have always been unhappy trying to fill His place in my heart with things of this world. Those things don't matter. I have to continually press into him.  I will continue to struggle with this I am sure, but I am a work in progress, His work.  

If I could only go back to young Carisa and hug her and tell her "Honey, you are accepted! You are loved and highly favored and nothing or anyone of this Earth will fill you like the Lord will! Yes, you are a sinner, and yes will have ugly, horrible, shameful moments, times of loneliness and hurt, but guess what?!  God's grace covers it all! You serve a God who loves you and wants nothing more than YOU.  Just as you are."  Can I get an amen?!  

Do you know why I've suffered?  Because, my God is good! He keeps his promises that my suffering will not be in vain.  My God knew on this very day that I would have a little blue eyed girl look at me with tear filled eyes.  That I would see my hurt times a million. That I would die for her not to feel one ounce of pain.  That He would send his own son who He loved to die for me.  That one day I may hug my little girl and say, "Honey you are accepted!" 

Blessings,

Carisa