Comparison and Discontentment...My Joy Thieves

 My stepdad lays carpet for a living and sometimes we would stop by the houses he was working at and I loved it.  I remember walking through this particular one that was absolutely gorgeous!  Big 2 story house, playhouse in back, and a pinkish red bathtub in the shape of a heart. When you are around 9 or 10 what could really be cooler than seeing a heart shaped tub? I would walk through it and pretend how awesome it would be if it were ours. It was so big and I would finally have my own room. I had always wanted my own room, and thought that when I got it life would be swell.  The memories I have sharing a room with my sister are some of my most cherished.  One house we lived in we painted the walls blue.  We had these cute flower sponges that we put in purple paint and started to make a border with.  We thought it was great! Mom didn't. So we took big fat sponges and started sponging them on the wall to look like butts. Mom was even less impressed with the sponge-butts.  From then on we had purple "butt prints" on our wall.  The thought makes me smile. Why can't we know the things we know as adults.  To cherish what seem like little, insignificant moments.  We ended up moving from that house a couple years later and I got my own room.  I still wasn't happy.  I also had to beg my sister to sleep with me sometimes because I was scared.  Younger siblings are the absolute best and aren't afraid of anything.  

That is just one particular time in my life where contentment had consumed me. While I was just a child, I couldn't enjoy the present moments for wanting something else. My husband has experienced this first hand with me. Bless him. Every time we have lived somewhere I have complained the entire time.  I hated it, it wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to go somewhere better, and I wanted to be closer to my family/friends. And guess what? Every time we have left the so-called hated town, I haven't wanted to leave. It's exhausting for him I am sure, but he loves me. I am so lucky!  I look back and reflect on all the people or circumstances that happened while living in those places and I let pure discontent rob me of so much joy.  Those were also times I felt distant from the Lord. I could feel it in my bones. The anger, bitterness, even loneliness. Things I still struggle with, but worse then.  I was so lost and didn't think I could find my way back to the Lord. The thing about the Gospel that I never truly understood is that He was always there.  All I had to do was call out to Him. Even though I didn't, He still took care of his child. Maybe not in the way I though, but He did. I may have not been obedient, but He never left me. I couldn't find joy, because I didn't want to find Him.   

If I had certain clothes, if I just had so and so's body, if I wore my hair just so, if we lived in a different house, if we had more money, if I lived closer to family, if, if, IF!!! Let me tell you comparing leads to discontentment.  Discontentment leads to a miserable miserable existence.  I have spent so much of my life being joyless. The "things" that I think will make me happy never do. Maybe a temporary excitement, but then the new wears off.  When they no longer make me happy, bitterness sets in.  My joy is not found in the things of this Earth. I will never find true joy and happiness by trying to let them fill me up. I always feel the conviction when that is what I'm doing.   

This is a learning process for me, and it is taking a lot of repentance. A LOT! Even finding joy for others is a struggle at times.  I don't want to get so caught up in what I don't have that I can't be genuinely happy for others. Everyone is in different places and seasons in their life. Everyone has a story. Everyone's path is different than mine.  My struggles or hardships are a learning experience. The Lord is drawing me nearer to Him and teaching me something.  He is good. He is sovereign. He is faithful. And most of all He loves me. He knows me and he created me this way, flaws and all.  He knew I would struggle with contentment and comparison.  Only He can bring me out of the dark places they take me. All I need is to "be still and know" Psalm 46:10.  

Whatever your weakness may be, remember this:

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:10

Speak truth and be still friends.  Be still.  

Blessings,

Carisa     

In case you missed it...we moved!

As I start to write, I'm feeling a little cheated. This summer has been pretty much the fastest one ever. The entire month of June was spent packing and getting ready for our closing date on the 26th. The day we closed I drove to OK to get my girls and Greg went south to work a week of camp. Talk about a long crazy day. Greg came back in time to celebrate the 4th with our families. Loved getting to spend quality time with the ones we love.  We stayed a few more days, but made our official trek to Liberal, KS. We stayed for about 2 weeks trying to get things in order (with 3 kids and a husband working full time, definitely not an easy feat) and made 1 more trip back to OK. Drove way too late on a Tuesday night and got my first speeding ticket in over 11 years. Whatevs! We sure aren't in Texas anymore. The next morning I had to go get proof of address to finish enrolling Anna in 1st grade. Gulp! Didn't I just binge eat donuts on her first day of Kinder yesterday? It's all a blur! I must say having a baby and sending your oldest to school all in the same year is what crazy things are made of. Her elementary is right across the street from

our house. Yay! I'm already THAT mom, so even better.

 (Side story on the house: we drove the 8 hour trip from Midlothian to Liberal in June to find a house. We looked at several, and let's just I left wanting to cry. Maybe I did. I had become accustomed to my extremely nice, up to date, modern home in TX. I later had to ask for forgiveness for my entitled behavior.  While we would find a house we sort of like that was in our price range, we would not have any money to do anything to it or purchase anything to furnish it. Did I mention we sold nearly all our furniture during the move? We would have been sitting in a "sort of like" house on the floor. I began to get really anxious when we went back to Midlothian. We were even willing to rent, but weren't having any luck there either. On our way to church after our trip, Greg and I were both balls of worry. He worrying about recruiting players and me about us being homeless. I really didn't think that would happen, but hey I'm a little dramatic. What do you think our sermon was about that day? If you said worry, you are correct! Hit me like a ton of bricks of conviction. I don't know if I have ever set in a sermon and literally felt so close to the Lord. We loaded the kids in the car and we shut the doors I looked at Greg and said, "Well that was covincting." He agreed. We discussed our last resort option on the way home. It would be to take an older 2 bedroom apartment down the street from the elementary.  We really wanted Anna in that school and we had literally exhausted every option on our own. Key words "on our own". That afternoon we received a call, from our now landlord, and he said the house we called about was still available. The house across the street from the elementary. Across the street!  Without even knowing what the inside looked like we said we wanted it. No it isn't new, it isn't perfect, but it is what the Lord provided. He provided big and in a way only He can. Greg saw the house before the kids and I. He was nervous we would get here and hate it. The girls love it and hope we live here forever. I really hope that is not the Lord's plan for us, but if it is pray for me. Ha!) 

We have a small water park and lots of parks. We have a Dillon's that carries Kroger brand products and has everything I would need for Anna's allergies. No Target, but that's what online shopping is for right?! Just humor me okay! 

That's what we have done this summer. I have experienced every emotion known to man over the last few months, but one thing remains. My God is faithful and I am ready to see what this journey in Kansas leads to. Would you pray for us? That the Lord would do a mighty work in all of us for however long we are here. That we would find a church home. Love you all! 

Blessings, 

Carisa 

Work in Progress

I had lunch with Anna today, and it was great until I had to leave her with tears in her eyes. A friend had hurt her feelings. Tomorrow she may not remember, but I doubt it.  She is so much like me and I don't think it really sunk in until that moment.  I find it amazing to look at my children and see how they can be made up of both our best and worst qualities all in one. What an amazing Creator we have! Anna has her Dad's sense of humor to a fault and my heart...and mouth.  Bless the poor thing.  I was upset for her and was starting to retreat to my own insecurities, but was so overcome by the Holy Spirit this afternoon it brought me to tears. God has been pressing on me over the last couple of week to share this, and I am trying to be obedient.  There is way more, but these are the details he wants me to share for now. So bear with me.  I hope this touches someone's heart, if even just one.  

 ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.' Luke 15:6-7

"We didn't think you would want to go." 

That's what I was told by friends about the slumber party they were all going to that night that one of them accidentally told me about. We were in line for lunch and  I was a Junior in high school. I remember it like it was yesterday.

This one scenario in my life has played in my head over and over again.  Every time I have not been invited, a group of friends. or even my family are doing something without me, this is where my head and heart goes.  When my husband offers to take the kids and go somewhere fun with them to give me a break, I get my feelings hurt. Feeling left out stinks! There is no other way to describe it.  I honestly don't know if guys go through this, but my husband never seems to care if he hangs out with anyone. When his friends call or he knows a group are doing something together I always try to watch him to see if he is jealous, mad, or showing any of the emotions I would be feeling. (He's been blessed with lifelong friends who always like him). Nothing. He actually seems happy for them. I'm jealous of that.  He is perfectly content with hanging out with the kids and myself.  What a weirdo. 

Now don't get me wrong, I do not think that every time anyone does anything without me it's a personal jab.  Heck, it could be something I absolutely could not join in on or may not even want to do, but Satan knows how to feed me lies. This is also where social media gets the best of me. I think it is such an awesome way to keep in touch, but it is also a great tool for Satan to reach those lonely places. Those sad parts. I cannot tell you how many times I have set and cried to my husband about feeling left out (he's such a good man, and I don't tell him enough!).  "What have I done?" "Why am I not important?"  "Why wasn't I thought of?  I had kids too!"  This has happened way before the blowup of social media, it just seems to amplify it. Then I start replaying every thing I have said or done as to why I am not a good friend.  I've been like this since elementary school.  This may seem so trivial and very self consumed to some, but I'm just being honest.  I was even so miserable with "girl stuff" by the time I started middle school that when my mom moved me to a different school I was so relieved.  A fresh start.  Here I would make my forever friends and they would love me until the end of time and we would skip off into the sunset holding hands and laughing until the end of time. Well the void still wasn't filled so then came boys.  Friends won't provide me with the love I want and girls are so hurtful so let's have a boyfriend.  Forever. Until the end of time.  Just kidding, but I always had a boyfriend. ALWAYS. Guess what?  Boyfriends didn't feel that void either it only brought about more insecurities and more desire to be loved.  It's a horrible, horrible cycle. Moving on. :)

While I was in high school, I did try so hard to be a better Christian.  I accepted Christ when I was 9 at Camp Bond (one of my most favorite places), but I'm not for sure I truly grasped it. I mean I understood, but didn't get the magnitude of God's love for me. Just like with everyone else, I wanted God's approval and acceptance, but I had to earn it from him just like I did with everyone else. That's what I thought. I've spent most of my life thinking that I could lose God's favor over me. That I could do things bad enough He would desert me and never want me back. A continual repetition of "Look at what I've done", God must be so disappointed in me" and "Will I even make it to Heaven?" I viewed God has the harshest of all judges. I loved God, I wanted a deeper relationship and closeness, but I had absolutely no way of how to go about getting it. I mean my word! My sins are endless and he can't possibly forgive all of those right?! Fortunately for me I have been pouring myself into his word (not near as much as I should) and plugging more and more into a church community that shows me how amazing God really is. I am 28, gulp, and I think for the first time am really starting to understand who He is and why I have always been unhappy trying to fill His place in my heart with things of this world. Those things don't matter. I have to continually press into him.  I will continue to struggle with this I am sure, but I am a work in progress, His work.  

If I could only go back to young Carisa and hug her and tell her "Honey, you are accepted! You are loved and highly favored and nothing or anyone of this Earth will fill you like the Lord will! Yes, you are a sinner, and yes will have ugly, horrible, shameful moments, times of loneliness and hurt, but guess what?!  God's grace covers it all! You serve a God who loves you and wants nothing more than YOU.  Just as you are."  Can I get an amen?!  

Do you know why I've suffered?  Because, my God is good! He keeps his promises that my suffering will not be in vain.  My God knew on this very day that I would have a little blue eyed girl look at me with tear filled eyes.  That I would see my hurt times a million. That I would die for her not to feel one ounce of pain.  That He would send his own son who He loved to die for me.  That one day I may hug my little girl and say, "Honey you are accepted!" 

Blessings,

Carisa